My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
