Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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