So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
