I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
