know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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