Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
