You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
