i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
