just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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