You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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