My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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