mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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