my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize