Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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