I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
