Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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