my phone needs a breathalizer
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
