I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
