her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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