I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize