its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
