I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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