I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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