So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
