i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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