hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
