I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
