Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
