ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
