Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am naked and annoyed.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
