Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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