i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize