Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
