just tell him i said nine months
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
why is half of my head shaved?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
