She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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