My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize