If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize