i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
