I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
