Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
