so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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