every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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