This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
we're so committed to being not committed
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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