Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
