do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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