i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
