My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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