did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
