I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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