where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
