No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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