I must be too annoying 4 u.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
