My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize