im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
