Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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