you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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