so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
