i was born a porn star she said
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
