highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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