My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
