did you get engaged???
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
