I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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