So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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