Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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