ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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