So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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