he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He shit in the fireplace
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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