Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize