drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
